shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
