But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
