Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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