I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
