I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
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