Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Randomize
