She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
