our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Never let your siblings swipe right.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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