What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
