my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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