thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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