well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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