I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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