Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
