There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Randomize
