hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
Randomize
