I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
