everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
you didnt know i had herpes?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
