He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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