it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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