i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
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