Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
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