Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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