Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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