I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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