Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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