Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
my mouth tastes like poor choices
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
