OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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