now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
