I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
