i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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