The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
