Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
