u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
