The best revenge is premature balding
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
