omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
No subtext here. People are naked.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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