come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
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Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
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I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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