The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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