Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
Randomize
