Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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