guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
