This girl is more easily done than said...
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I enjoy the company of your penis
Randomize
