After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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