He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
He keeps bees of course he's weird
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Randomize
