We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
