I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
