Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
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