So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
