A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
if i died would you start the facebook group?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
