If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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