she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
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They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
This baby is an asshole
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
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After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga