I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.