Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
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