have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
