Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
